Break it to them gently.

I always thought encounters with Jehovah's Witnesses were a thing of the movies or myth. Something that people told exaggerated tales of but that actually never happened.

But... I was accosted today, and now these kind folks exist in the reality part of my brain, instead of being resigned to the fantasy/myth-based part, alongside fish who use wheelchairs and cloudmonsters who hover over you in your sleep and try to steal your dreams. It actually felt kind of cool, like I had joined the ranks of some elite group. But I was not interested in the least, and letting these folks down easy soon proved to be a trying, near-impossible feat. This was unfortunate, because letting people down easy, if I have to let them down, is usually my modus operandi. My brain doesn't really know how to operate outside of that and be forceful or even mean. But I was rushing to get out the door, so I was armed with an excuse. The man began his shpiel. I listened with a polite nervousness. He didn't even say he was with the Jehovah's Witnesses. He just assumed I knew.

"Okay. Well, actually, I'm in a hurry to get out the door," I interjected as nicely as I could. He ignored me.

"Oh, okay. Well, here in Matthew 4:19, Jesus said..." he continued. I listened again.

"I'm sorry, I really am in a big hurry to get to the doctor," I said. "Who are you with, exactly? Can I take a pamphlet or something?" That was the most forcefulness I can muster, which was basically non-existent.

"Oh sure! Here, this one's wonderful ..." he continued on until he heard my dad's booming voice telling him to get on his way. He promptly packed up, said goodbye and skiddaddled, as one might do upon being chided by a voice as deep as my father's (slightly wetting one's pants might be another option). This led me to postulate. Deep-voiced, mustachioed fathers can't always do our bidding for us, so I began to think of what one might do to firmly decline Jehovah's Witnesses' persistent efforts (or anyone's efforts) when you are simply not interested. Here is a top-ten list. Feel free to use them.


10) Act crazy. But really crazy. Some possible dialogue (coupled with erratic, flailing limbs and clapping of hands): "HEY! I'm so glad you're here! I'm in the middle of making a bird house!! I'm thinking of adding a west wing where the Bird President can live. Ha, get it! West Wing?! --The president is great, don't you think? I don't think he's actually a bird, though. He seems like more of a sea dweller!-- But I've drawn the blueprints, it's just a matter of getting them to that darn contractor. Do you know how hard it is to work with a bird-house contractor? Impossible. Hey, how do you feel about cold gravy? LOVE IT, right?!! Am I right?!"

9) Tell them you're Mormon. No wait, that will make them try even harder. Hmm....

8) Tell them you actually belong to a nudist colony and that you're late for an appointment. Then begin unbuttoning things. (The level of discomfort is up to you.)

7) Act crazier. Begin dancing around back and forth in a semi-circle while simultaneously chanting to the Big Rabbit in the ceiling. Then run to protect your cubic zirconia and missile supply.

6) Tell them you're flattered, but spoken for.

5) And if that doesn't work, six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.*

4) Offer them a tray of cupcakes/other baked goods, licking every single one passionately in the process.

3) Look at your cat instead of them, as if your cat were the one talking. Then only converse with your cat the entire time.

2) Tell them you think you took some kind of pill and that you're pretty sure your legs are made of paper mache, the walls are melting and that you can only hear the sound of tin and foghorns.

1) Tell them you already had a great conversation with Jesus earlier that week, so you're all set.





*Courtesy of Homer Simpson.