The perils of modern vernacular (and how that involves a dress made of cream cheese).

"Epic."

I am now going to take billions of words to express how vehemently opposed I am to the recent implementation and incessant usage of this word in the 18 - 40 crowd's daily vernacular. I hate it. Nay, I loathe it. (I made "loathe" a vomity green color to effectively express my distaste.) I realize it's rather ridiculous to go on about how much you hate a word, especially when it's inevitable that it has taken over everyone's vocabulary around you and there's nothing you can do about it. And that it's just a word, and there are much bigger problems in the world and maybe you should just get over it and go help some starving children. I also realize that pretentiously griping about it is probably just as annoying and trite as the offending word itself. But oftentimes word-nerds and nerds in general are moved to defend the honor of their respective fields, whether it be the English language or sci-fi films. And as a word nerd, I realize how hard-pressed people become to find words besides "cool" and "awesome" to describe cool and awesome things. ("My, those sneakers are capital!" "Boy, that guitar solo sure was first-rate!" See, I know how hard it can be.) Basically, "epic" is to 2010 as "radical" was to the 1980s. It's happening, and I'll just have to fall off my crippled high-horse and deal with it. Move over, "cool", there's a new sheriff in town and his name is "over-used, overblown adjective that should only be used in high-action thriller film trailers starring Will Smith." On that note, I've decided there are a limited number of situations in which "epic" should be used only:

1. In aforementioned trailers for thrilling, action-or-drama-packed blockbuster films starring Will Smith or Denzel Washington or that guy who has a creepy smile on his face all the time but is a really good actor.

2. I can't think of anything else.

I can't think of any situation that would ever occur in the existence of mankind in which I would use this word. I would rather shimmy around town wearing a dress made of cream cheese instead of using this word. Even if... let's see. Say there was an Radiohead/Led Zeppelin/Arcade Fire concert. And Steve Carell with a beard asks me to be his date. And then me and Steve are hanging out in our front-row seats with the Society of Beard Growers, and Conan O'Brien shows up doing a jig. Both of them tell me how great I am, and then Robert Plant winks at me from on stage, after which fireworks start shooting out iPhones and someone has a giant baby and Steve Carell proposes to me and Jonny Greenwood from Radiohead gives me his signed guitar and tells me that we are, in fact, related. Whew! Mind-blowing! Unbelievable! Still, STILL, I could not bring myself to use that word. "Epic" to me is like "Voldemort" to those dorky Harry Potter people. It must not be named .


Here are some real-life examples to help you properly use this word:

"Check out my epic mustache! My girlfriend hates it!"** NO. NOT ACCEPTABLE USAGE. YOU GET AN F.

"Did you see my grandma's milk mustache? It's epic!" ALSO NOT OKAY. And stop making fun of Grandma.

"Man, I can't wait for the millennium! It's going to be epic!" YAY! ACCEPTABLE.

So, here is a good rule of thumb. Millennium/apocalypse = okay to use. Will Smith action movie = acceptable. Everything else = not okay. (It is also important to note that the transitive property does not apply here: Willennium, Will Smith's 1999 sophomore rap album = not okay.)

Also, if you choose, here are some more appropriate, less cringe-inducing words/phrases you can use instead:

Phenomenal

Outstanding

Fantastic

Spectacular

Brain-aneurysm inducing

Panty-twisting

Oh, raspberries!

Meatloaf!

I can't believe it's not butter! Oh wait, it is butter!

If you are an "epic" junkie, I surely hope these tips will help you break your habit. "Epic" is so 2010. Boooooo to 2010! What say we come up with a new word for bright, shiny 2011? Grandtacularitis. No, that sounds like a vicious STD. Fantagrandimose? (Mmm, Fanta. Remember Fanta?) Spectubulawesocool. These keep sounding like diseases, so I suggest you come up with some of your own. Just remember, if the situation arises where you think you might need to use the word "epic," you don't need to use it. Just walk away. Look at you, you're way too sassy to be using such a silly word. Though for someone who hates it so much, I've sure used it a lot in this diatribe. Funny. But not... well, you know.







**However, beards are a whole different story than mustaches. Although I do not think that a good, self-respecting beard should be marred with the word "epic" in its description. Heck, use epic to describe your mustaches, I don't care. They're usually only grown in an ironic fashion and they deserve it. Call me biased.