Hi, Gene.

I recently had a cologne attack. A colognac attack, rather. Maybe you've experienced one. You're walking home from campus in a stupor, probably thinking about food of some kind or plotting an evil nano-robot scheme, when out of nowhere, a college-going man-child dashes by, leaving you in a cloud of confusion and putrid Aqua di Gio or whatever the hell he has marinated himself in overnight. This particular incidence was so severe I could taste the smell and actually started gagging.

Here are some tips for this guy and other poor saps:

1. Marinade is for chicken and other succulent meats. Not for people. Unless you are a cannibal and you think people meat makes a nice steak.

2. The amount of cologne you wear is not equal to the amount of girls who will immediately throw themselves on you like in those commercials. No one is going to take their clothes off because your cologne makes you an irresistible sex god. Check yourself-- can you even grow a good beard?

3. I would rather smell a consecutive stream of 25 elderly men bathed in Old Spice than taste the smell your pretty-boy brand of cologne that was all the rage with the spiky-haired kids in high school. Plus, grandpas are awesome and they tell me I'm pretty. You look down at me over your popped collar. You lose.

4. Spray once, put down the bottle. A little cologne isn't bad. It's very nice, actually. Here's a rule of thumb: If you can just barely smell the cologne on yourself, that means everyone else can smell it quite well at a level that is unoffensive to the soul.

5. If it's me you're trying to impress (which it's not), you could easily squeak by with wearing some random aftershave you found in your underwear drawer. Wearing deodorant is a definite plus as well. But if it's me you're trying to impress, you would also have to be able to grow a beard and probably kinda dress like a lumberjack.