I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second. And I'd do it again. Goodbye.

...Oh, how I sorely wish I could hide in a giant mound of sugar whilst stealing some of it for my tea at my leisure.

You see, I've completely gone off of sugar. (And into the deep-end.) As per per doctor's orders. It's been three days. I am also temporarily going without any form of carbohydrates (also per doctor's orders), but that's beside the point.* The point is, I am here to unabashedly whine about going off of sugar. And to go a little crazy. It's now embarrassingly clear how much of a hold it has on me. So much so, that before I started this gig, I can't remember the last time I went without at least a little piece of chocolate per day. I never thought "going without chocolate" was a real thing that people did, like buying eggs or watching Chevy Chase marathons. But it is. As is going without sugar. Before now, my brain just couldn't comprehend it. I would seriously try to understand the concept, and it never ended well. It just did not compute. "Go... with-out choc-o-luhhhht?? Wha? No... shoog-ar? Mom?" By that point, I'd be lying on the sidewalk with my eyes glazed over, thinking of some kind of weapon I would have to fashion in order to survive without such things. Or I would have just avoided full comprehension and moved onto something completely unrelated. "I wonder how many ladders it would take to get to the moon?" The possibility of going without sugar just wasn't a possibility.

The sad thing is, the gap between hyperbole vs. reality is slim here. I haven't ended up on the sidewalk in the past few days, but basically, I am having withdrawals that make me feel like a venomous, ravenous baby dinosaur and everythingisannoyingandIhateverythingalways!!! There have been tears. Mood swings. (Sorry, Mom.) Which doesn't sound like a whole lot if you're aware of my propensity for such things. It's kind of nuts. Sugar and I are going through a terrible break-up, and now I'm shuffling around the house in my robe, weeping quietly, hands clasping a wad of tissues, while thinking fondly of the great times we had together, and also thinking of how toxic our relationship was and how crazy it made me. But still. Oh, how I crave it. It's now painfully clear how truly addicted I was to sugar. Also, it's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets. And why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.** But nothing really worth doing is going to be easy. That's just the way life is. And it's okay. Maybe even grand.

We'll see how long I can last without ingesting a single grain of sugar (and without a single grain of rice to boot!). Just don't be surprised if you find me crouched by the Lazy Susan eating brown sugar straight out of the bag with my bare hands.*** In the meantime, here's to everyone's good health. And to being grateful for health. And to doing everything we can to maintain it, even if it makes some of us a little crazy sometimes. May everyone feel great and be happy. Happy belated 2011, everyone! Let us all raise a glass in gratitude. A glass of plain-flavored water, of course. (Now with more plain flavor!)




*Don't worry, it's nothing serious. Just health issues that I don't really want to share on a public forum. You understand, right? Oh, and it's not because I want to be on the Atkins Diet. I'll haunt the Atkins Diet in its dreams! No, it's actually to lose weight. I'm really trying to get down to 80 lbs now. JUST KIDDING. Just very kidding.

**Simpsons reference. (Do they ever stop? Nope, they don't. Sorry.)

***This may or may not have happened once in the recent past. Or twice.